


Lost Somewhere in Outer Space

by CharacteristicallyMinor



Category: The Bridge (Podcast), Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Gen, Space Stations, The Hunting of Sentient Plants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 06:50:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13002213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharacteristicallyMinor/pseuds/CharacteristicallyMinor
Summary: Bertie didn't intend to set a mutant hydrangea monster loose on the U.S.S. Watchtower Station. (The Bridge/Wolf 359 crossover that no one asked for.)





	Lost Somewhere in Outer Space

“I’m going to ask you to repeat what you just said one more time,” Roger said over the intercom.

“One of the hydrangeas is growing extremely quickly. It seems to be joining with the other hydrangeas and causing them to do the same. I’m pretty sure it’s aware of its surroundings the way an animal would be, since it stopped growing almost as soon as I entered the room,” Bertie said. “I’d rather not investigate this on my own.”

Roger sighed. “If this is a joke, it’s not a very good one.”

“It’s not, I swear. If I was trying to trick you, I’d pick something more believable,” Bertie replied.

“Great,” Roger replied. “I’ll have Kate go check out the greenhouse with you. I swear, if there isn’t an actual mutant plant in there, we are going to have a very long conversation about goofing around on the job, and it’s going to be a lot more unpleasant for you than it will be for me.”

With that, Roger ended the call.

“WeBr, has there been any sort of gas leak in or around the greenhouse? Or any other environment malfunction that would cause Bertie to hallucinate?” Roger asked.

“Since the irrigation system was repaired a few days ago, all system function has been stellar,” the AI said, chipper as always.

“Great,” Roger said before calling Kate.

“I need you to go to the greenhouse. There’s a… situation.”

“What kind of situation?” Kate asked, sounding concerned.

“Bertie thinks one of the plants has mutated. He says it’s growing fast and was aware of his presence. WeBr says that there isn’t a gas leak or anything that could be causing him to hallucinate, so either this is a really bad joke or there’s actually something weird going on,” Roger explained. “I want you to check it out. And if this is a joke, and you’re in on it, you’re going to be in a world of trouble right along with Bertie.”

“If it’s a joke, I’m not in on it,” Kate said. “And it doesn’t even sound like a good one. Too unbelievable, too many extraneous details.”

“It’s great how you and Bertie are critiquing the concept rather than denying that you’d lie about an emergency for fun. Really fills me with confidence,” Roger replied. “Now, please go do your job.”

“Alright, alright, I’m going,” Kate agreed before ending the conversation.

Roger turned back to his own work for several minutes before the intercom buzzed again.

“So, there actually is a mutant plant,” Kate reported. “An honest-to-god, one hundred percent not a joke, mutant plant.”

“I swear—“ Roger started.

“Yeah, yeah, you’ll throw us in the brig and give us double shifts for the next month. We know. But we have an actual, time-sensitive situation. The plant monster is expanding. It’s growing into the other hydrangeas, and spreading the mutation to them. It seems to be acting as one creature, or some sort of hive mind, rather than creating separate mutated plants,” Kate summarized.

“There was just one plant affected initially, but now there are three that have grown together and are growing toward a fourth,” Bertie added.

“Great. Just great. Can you two handle this alone, or do you need me to come up? I want to nip this in the bud before it becomes a bigger problem,” Roger said.

“I’ve got some weed killer in supply closet 3. That should take care of Audrey II,” Bertie said.

“What?” Roger asked.

“Little Shop of Horrors reference. It’s a musical,” Bertie explained.

“Just kill the plant before it can do any damage to the greenhouse,” Roger ordered, ending the transmission.

* * *

“Let me get this straight: not only have you not managed to kill the plant monster, but you let it spread to all of the hydrangeas and barricade itself in the greenhouse?” Realizing what he’d said, Roger added, “And don’t even try making a joke about straightness and our lack thereof, this is not the time.”

“Humor is an important way to release stress in high-pressure situations,” Bertie said. He couldn’t see Roger’s glare over the intercom, but they’d worked together long enough to know it was there. He continued, “but I can tell that you’re not a joking mood. The mutated hydrangea is resistant to damage from weedkiller and fire.”

“I had WeBr block off all the non-essential air vents around the greenhouse in the hopes of containing it, so it should be trapped,” Kate said. “While more destructive options may succeed in damaging the plant, they’d also do permanent damage to the station. I haven’t found a way to get into the greenhouse without damaging the station either, but I’m working on ways to kill the plant remotely.”

“And I’m going to work on figuring out how this happened. I’m fairly certain that the issue with the irrigation system a few days ago caused the plant to mutate. I suspect that when the water filter broke, a contaminant was introduced to the water for the hydrangeas, although I’d really need to study the hydrangea to determine exactly how it was altered,” Bertie said.

“Which you can’t do, because the damn hydrangea’s apparently a better tactical fighter than the Travel Agency’s finest.”

“Hey! This is only a minor setback,” Kate protested, sounding offended. “I’m pretty sure there’s some way to drain the carbon dioxide from the greenhouse. That should kill the plant.”

“Do that. Don’t stay in the hallway outside the greenhouse—I don’t want anyone going into that area without my approval. Put some cameras up in the area and keep an eye on it remotely while you’re working on this. Bertie, I want you working on a poison in case the carbon dioxide doesn’t work. Figuring out why it mutated is less of a priority than figuring out how to kill it.”

They both agreed and signed off. “WeBr, connect me to Etta.”

“Rooooooger, what’s up? I was just doing my job. You know, listening to space and totally not transmitting any messages in case there’s something out there listening to us.”

“Right,” Roger said wearily. “I’m glad to hear that. I wanted to let you know that the greenhouse and area surrounding it is off-limits until further notice. There’s been an incident.”

“Is Bertie okay?” Etta asked, sounding concerned.

“He’s fine. He’s managed to create a mutant plant, though, and until that’s dealt with it’s not safe to be in that area,” Roger explained.

“A mutant plant? Are we talking, like, a normal plant but in a weird color, or is it like a full-fledged plant monster?” Etta asked, sounding suspiciously excited about the second possibility.

“Closer to the second than the first. Don’t get any ideas, though. It’s a dangerous threat, not one of your science fiction movies. Kate and Bertie are already working to figure out how to kill it,” Roger said firmly.

“Right, right. I gotcha. I’ll stay far away from the greenhouse,” Etta agreed, ending the call.

“WeBr, let me know if Etta gets within 100 feet of the greenhouse,” Roger instructed. Somehow, he didn’t quite trust Etta to leave the plant monster alone.

* * *

“Bertrand,” Etta said, singsong, into the comm.

“What’s happening?” Bertie replied, “I’m working on the plant killer, so if it’s not urgent—”

“About that,” Etta said. “What if we opted for a different tactic?”

“Like what? Kate’s already working on draining the carbon dioxide from the greenhouse.”

“I was thinking something a little less lethal. What if we didn’t try to kill the mutant plant, and instead befriended it?”

“That is a terrible idea,” Bertie said emphatically. “We’re not talking a friendly little venus flytrap here. Even if it wasn’t hostile to begin with, I think the weed killer and flamethrowers have ruined any chance we had of getting on its good side.”

“But it’s basically just a wild animal. It’s hostile because we are, but it can be tamed.”

“I’m pretty sure the entire premise of your question is flawed. The whole point of wild animals is that they aren’t tame, and besides--”

“Anyways,” Etta said, talking over Bertie. “Do you know what caused it? What if it’s some sort of alien parasite that took over the plant? Do you want to be the people who killed the first alien humanity met and started an intergalactic war?”

“Well, no. But I’m pretty sure the mutation was caused by chemical contamination from when the water filter broke,” Bertie said.

“Sure enough that you’ll risk this plant being the Franz Ferdinand whose death starts Universe War I?” Etta asked.

“… alright, you may have a point. But the next step isn’t to go haring off trying to catch the monster. We need to talk to the others and figure out if this is something we should worry about,” Bertie said firmly.

“Alright, fine, if you want to be sensible about it,” Etta agreed. “But Roger is going to hate having this conversation, and it’s going to be your fault.”

* * *

Etta was right about Roger’s reaction, but she’d failed to anticipate that Kate’s would be even stronger.

“It’s not an alien,” Kate said firmly. “There have been no foreign substances introduced into the station lately. Nobody’s even done a space walk in the past week. The timing of the irrigation system malfunction fits.”

“But how can you be certain? Until Bertie examines the plant creature, there’s no way to prove that it’s not an alien. And that means that it would be irresponsible to kill it.”

“It’s irresponsible to leave it alive! Bertie can dissect it all he wants once it’s dead to determine the exact details of its biology, but right now we know enough to determine that it’s terrestrial in origin, and that it’s a threat.”

“I don’t understand why you’re being so unreasonable about this! This is a research mission, and we can’t research this brand-new lifeform if you go out and kill it!” Etta said, turning towards Bertie. “You agree, right?”

“Mostly. I’m concerned about the hydrangea’s destructive capabilities, but I can’t deny that this is a pretty amazing scientific opportunity. If there was a way to safely contain the mutant, I’d rather do that than kill it,” Bertie agreed.

“Safely being the operative word. Even if we could somehow catch this thing without killing it, we’re not equipped to hold what is basically a wild animal captive for the rest of the mission,” Kate argued.

“Not at the moment, no, but that’s because we haven’t put any effort into designing a containment system and convincing the plant to trust us. Look, we have to think this through,” Etta said, softening her voice. “This is either some form of alien lifeform that has bonded to the hydrangea, or else it’s the first of a brand-new species of plant. Either way, it would be irresponsible to just kill it.”

“It’s not an alien! It’s a dangerous science experiment gone wrong, and we need to stop it before it damages the station,” Kate insisted.

“WeBr, have you detected any foreign particles entering the station in the last—oh, let’s be generous-- two months?” Roger asked, speaking for the first time since Etta and Kate started arguing.

“There have been no foreign particles detected,” WeBr replied, cheerful tone at odds with the tension in the room.

“And is it possible for something to have entered the station without you detecting it?” Roger asked.

“There is no earthly way that something could have entered the station without my noticing it,” WeBr replied. 

“Bertie, do you actually think there’s a chance that this thing is an alien?” Roger asked.

Bertie looked uncomfortable as everyone looked at him expectantly. “Well, I’ve never seen anything like this. The hydrangea’s rapid growth could definitely be explained by some mixture of chemicals acting as a remarkably effective fertilizer. Its ability to sense our presence is a lot stranger, but some species of plants are capable of sensing changes in light or temperature, so this could be an extreme version of that. And since I’ve been studying how hydrangeas are affected by exposure to radiation, the hydrangeas had already underwent genetic changes that may have worked to amplify the effects of the chemical contamination. Since the only alternative explanation we’ve come up with is aliens—well, chemical waste triggering this mutation is extremely unlikely, but it’s even less likely that we’ve accidentally made first contact with an alien species.”

“Traitor!” Etta hissed at him under her breath.

“Alright. Given that there’s nothing that can’t be explained by non-alien factors, and there’s no evidence that aliens even exist at all, let’s work off the assumption that the plant isn’t an alien. Since we’re living in the real world and not a science fiction movie,” Roger stated.

Before he could go on, Kate interjected, “I mean, we are living on a space station and hunting a mutant plant monster. There’s a lot of science fiction going on here, just not the alien kind.”

“Thanks for that, Kate, classifying the exact genre of our current situation is definitely a productive use of time. Now, if we can get back to the actual topic at hand,” Roger said pointedly, “while I understand how this is an important scientific discovery, the safety of the Watchtower crew and the structural integrity of the station are our main priorities. Once it’s dead, you can dissect it all you want. But right now, it’s us or the plant monster, and I’m picking us.”

Etta opened her mouth, but before she could talk, Roger added, “Etta, I know you’re not happy about this, but you’re going to have to deal. I’m not going to put the crew in danger so you can play Steve Irwin with the plant monster. Kate, Bertie, has there been any progress in figuring out a way to kill it?”

“Still working with WeBr to determine whether it’s possible to drain all the carbon dioxide from one room without it affecting any other part of the station. She says it’s totally safe, of course, but given her track record I’m not willing to take her word for it. Once I’m done double checking how the airflow controls work in that part of the station, we should be good to go. In the meantime, I’ve had WeBr turn off all the lights in the greenhouse in the hope that the plant thinks it’s night and stops growing. Or dies from lack of sunlight because it’s burning through nutrients too fast, but I don’t think we’re going to be that lucky,” Kate summarized.

“Sounds good. Bertie?” Roger prompted.

“The problem is that if it’s immune to standard weedkiller and fire, there’s no telling what else it’s immune to. I’ve got a few things we can try out, but I think Kate’s plan is more likely to work, so we should try that before we start arbitrarily pouring chemicals on the plant. But Kate, you should also drain the oxygen from the room while you’re draining the carbon dioxide. The plant uses oxygen to break down glucose into usable energy.”

“I’ll do that. It shouldn’t be any more complicated than draining just the carbon dioxide,” Kate said.

“We’ll try Kate’s plan first, but I want you to keep working on options for if it doesn’t pan out,” Roger instructed. “Meeting over. Get back to work, everyone.”

Etta still looked unhappy, but she left without comment.

* * *

“Bad news,” Kate announced over the intercom, “the plant monster’s in the air ducts.”

Roger let out a few choice expletives. 

“Agreed. WeBr only decided to let me know that it had left the greenhouse once I was positive I could safely let the oxygen and carbon dioxide out of the greenhouse. On the upside, it only took over the hydrangeas; the other plants are completely untouched. Bertie’s checking if any of them were damaged by our conflict with the monster,” Kate said. “I’m setting up cameras and motion sensors throughout the air ducts, so we should be able to track its progress. Unfortunately, cutting off the flow of air in the air ducts is, you know, not really an option. I’m thinking the best option is working with Bertie to set up motion-activated traps throughout the ducts that’ll spray the plant with whatever chemicals Bertie’s cooked up.”

“Do that. I want two people working on the killing the plant and two people keeping the station running. You’re permanently on plant duty, Etta’s permanently on station duty, and Bertie and I will switch off,” Roger instructed.

“Sounds good. I’ll let Bertie know. One other thing, though— I was wondering whether you were going to let command know what’s going on?” Kate asked, carefully keeping her tone of voice casual.

“I think that can wait until the issue’s dealt with,” Roger said. 

“Agreed,” Kate said. She wasn’t able to completely hide her relief, but she knew Roger would put it down to her being concerned about how it would look to command that she hadn’t managed to kill the plant monster yet. She was the security officer, after all; it was only natural that she’d be worried that being unable to contain a threat would reflect poorly on her. 

That wasn’t actually why she was worried, but Roger couldn’t know that.

* * *

“Oh Bertrand,” Etta called over the intercom, “what are you working on right now?”

“Routine maintenance on the cooling system. Roger took over plant hunting duty for a while,” Bertie replied.

“Great! That means you’re alone, right?” 

“I don’t like where this is going, but yes.”

“I was curious how you guys were setting up the traps for the hydrangea. Are you just scattering them around the station, or do you think that the hydrangea’s going somewhere specific?” 

“Well, the plant needs sunlight and water. Fertilizer, too; most plants don’t need fertilizer that often, but it’s been burning through resources way faster than most plants do, so I suspect it’ll need nutrients more often as a result,” Bertie explained. “So we’re putting more traps in areas that are well lit, contain water sources, or have higher moisture in the air.”

“What about fertilizer?” Etta asked.

“We put traps in the air vents closest to the supply closet that we keep the fertilizer in, but that’s less of a concern. The ducts don’t run particularly close to the supply closet, and the hydrangea has no way of knowing that’s where the fertilizer is, so it’s more of a precaution than anything.”

“Right, that makes sense. Thanks for explaining it,” Etta said.

“Why did you ask if no one was in the room, if you were just going to ask about the traps? Are you planning something?” Bertie asked suspiciously.

“Of course not. It’s just that I think Kate might still be mad at me because of our fight earlier, and I thought she might not react well to me asking about the plant,” Etta said. It was technically a true statement, even if it wasn’t actually the answer to Bertie’s question.

“She was pretty heated earlier,” Bertie agreed. “I think she’s just stressed out. It’s her job to keep us safe, and she’s taking it as a personal affront that she hasn’t been able to get rid of the monster sooner. I don’t think it’s personal.”

“Thanks,” Etta said. “I still want to wait until I’m sure things are fine between us, but I think you’re right about her being stressed out. It did seem like she got a lot angrier than she usually would have.”

After they wrapped up their conversation, Etta thought about what Bertie had said. Light, water, and fertilizer. Taking some of the fertilizer would be too suspicious, but grabbing one of their spare solar lightbulbs wouldn’t be too hard. Water would be trickier, but she had a few ideas.

* * *

Kate was not having a good week. Despite her best efforts, the plant monster was still alive somewhere. It hadn’t attacked anyone yet, but it was smart. It had to be, to evade the crew for that long. 

She’d been hunting it for most of the week. None of the traps they’d set out had worked. The plant seemed to be immune to everything Bertie could throw at it. It had even stolen a few of the lights.

Bertie had relaxed a little, as days went by without the plant attacking anyone. She could tell that he was starting to wonder whether Etta had a point about the plant being harmless. Etta hadn’t brought it up since their argument, but Kate hadn’t seen Etta much. She was pretty sure Etta was avoiding her. 

Kate wished she could go after Etta and explain, but she couldn’t. The crew would never trust her again if they knew what she was supposed to do in the case of contact with an alien species. Even though she would never be able to go through with it if the situation arose. That’s why she had to make sure it never did, for all of their sakes.

Kate didn’t care whether the plant was harmless. She couldn’t. She had to kill it before they told command about its existence, so command wouldn’t get any ideas about it being an alien. If there was a way to completely destroy the remains, that would be even better. Kate was pretty sure the plant was genuinely just a mutant and in no way alien, but she wasn’t willing to risk being wrong. If it was an alien, the Travel Agency could never find out.

At least Roger had agreed not to tell command. As each day passed without any results, she worried that he’d change his mind, but so far he hadn’t.

Kate had set up watch by supply closet three. She’d noticed that several solar lightbulbs had disappeared from it a few days ago, and she figured that there was a good chance that the plant monster would eventually come back for more. 

It was her only lead. There had been no sign of the plant monster for a couple of days. Maybe it had just died in the ducts, but she didn’t think so. It was too smart for that.

* * *

“Hey, I need some advice,” Etta asked Bertie over the intercom.

“Finally! I am so glad you’ve come to your sense and decided to end this stupid thing you and Kate—”

“That’s actually not why I called you. Kind of the opposite, actually,” Etta said, interrupting him. 

Bertie groaned.

“No, hear me out. I just think that until the plant situation is resolved, anything I say is going to make things worse with Kate. She’s so stressed out about this, and she knows I’m not on board with the plan; if I try to talk to her, she’s just going to get defensive,” Etta explained. “So I was thinking it would be a good idea to stay out of her way. But she’s been patrolling near the comms room for the past few hours, so I kind of need somewhere I can go that’s out of her way.”

“I really think that if you just talked to her, you two would be able to sort this all out,” Bertie insisted. 

Etta made a doubtful noise. 

“Fine. Whatever. It’s not like it’s in any way uncomfortable to have half of the crew at odds with each other. You can try the observation deck. There’s not really— wait, do you hear that?” There was some sort of rustling noise coming over the intercom.

“Sorry. I was just—um—itching my leg. Yeah. You probably just heard the fabric rustling or something,” Etta’s voice sounded weird, but Bertie couldn’t put his finger on why. She sounded awkward—embarrassed, maybe? Although there was no reason for her to be embarrassed about itching her leg. Bertie mentally shrugged. It didn’t really matter.

“So anyways, the observation deck’s probably your best bet. It’s on the opposite side of the station as the greenhouse. It’s got narrow air vents and there’s only one entrance, so even if the plant did somehow make its way to that side of the station it wouldn’t be able to get in. 

“Ooh, that sounds like an awesome hiding place! Not that I’m hiding from Kate, of course. Just, you know, strategically avoiding her until we’re in a better position to get along with each other.”

“Because that’s so much better,” Bertie agreed sarcastically.

* * *

Bertie hadn’t signed up for this.

All he’d wanted was a nice calm mission. A couple of years where he’d get to grow plants and experiment with them and only interact with three other people. It was exactly what he needed. The space part was an added bonus; he’d never been particularly interested in being an astronaut, even as a little kid, but it had turned out that helping run a space station and occasionally going on space walks was pretty fun.

But this week had sucked. Bertie hadn’t signed up for potentially lethal scientific breakthroughs, moral dilemmas, and interpersonal drama. Especially the last one. Kate was driving herself crazy trying to prove she could protect the crew from the mutant, he was pretty sure Etta was still worrying about the moral implications of killing the monster, and they still weren’t talking to each other. It was almost enough to make him wish he’d never gone to space.

Well, not really. Being back on Earth meant that complicated social situations like this happened on a regular basis, and on top of that everyone he knew would keep looking at him with those sympathetic, concerned expressions that had become ubiquitous after the accident.

But still. The next time Kate snapped at him while he was on monster-hunting duty or Etta asked him vague questions about the monster hunt, he was going to make them regret it. Mostly because he was going to get overwhelmed and start rambling and then they were going to be forced to feel as awkward as he was feeling. So there.

* * *

There had been a time when the station had run smoothly, with everyone getting along and doing their respective jobs. Sure, they all grumbled sometimes, but that wasn’t too bad. Even Etta, who spent more time talking to outer space than listening, kept everyone entertained with her stories and always pitched in to make sure the station was running smoothly.

Now, however, everything had gone to hell. The station was covered in traps, they were only getting half of their normal work done, and half the crew were fighting.

Roger was almost starting to consider letting the damn plant monster stay in the ducts. The only thing it had actually done so far was steal a few lightbulbs, and they could spare them. It hadn’t even touched the other plants—which was good, because the occasional fresh produce they produced was very important for crew morale.

But Kate was right. The Travel Agency was not going to look kindly on them letting a plant monster run rampant on the station. 

Roger normally had the crew gather in-person for a weekly check-in. They went over what they’d done in the past week, taking note of any problems that had arose, and made sure everyone knew what the plan for the next week was. Really, half the point of the meeting was that it stopped the weeks from running together, since distinctions like time of day and weekday versus weekend were mostly theoretical in space. 

This week, however, Roger decided to forgo the meeting. He was pretty sure gathering the crew together to discuss the events of the past week would just lead to another argument. Instead, he settled for calling each member of the Watchtower crew individually over the intercom to check in with them.

“Kate, could you give me your weekly report? Given how busy we are, we’re going to skip the in-person meeting this week,” Roger told her.

“As you know, I have spent the whole week on the trail of the plant monster. I found some leaves in the vents near the comms room yesterday, so I’ve spent the past day searching that part of the station. No plant monster, but I’ve found enough leaves that I think I’m on the right track,” Kate summarized.

“Speaking of the comms room, how are things with Etta?” Roger asked. “Are you any closer to ending your argument with her?”

“She’s still avoiding me. Which is fair. I reacted pretty intensely when she brought up that stupid alien theory. And I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m some sort of bloodthirsty plant murderer now, anyways. So, you know, things aren’t great. We’ll sort it out once the plant’s taken care of.”

Roger knew this was his cue to say something sympathetic. “I don’t think she thinks you’re a bloodthirsty murderer. She just—she wants to see the good in everything, even plant monsters. She’s a bit disappointed right now, sure, but she knows that you’re so focused on getting rid of the monster because you want to protect the crew, not because you like the idea of seeing it die.”

“Exactly!” Kate exclaimed. “Honestly, I’m not thrilled I have to kill this thing. But it’s more dangerous than Etta realizes. And if command finds out that I’ve let it run loose—” 

“It would be all of our jobs on the line,” Roger finished. 

Kate laughed bitterly.

“Look, just—try not to make things with Etta any worse, at least? You don’t have to have a heart-to-heart with her or anything,” although, Roger mentally added, that would solve a lot of problems, “but at least be friendly to her if you see her in the halls?”

“Sure,” Kate agreed. “I don’t think I will, though, I haven’t actually seen her around the comms room lately.”

Wonderful. The one member of the crew who wasn’t spending any of her shifts hunting a monster, and Etta was still somehow managing to not do her actual job.

“I’ll look into that,” Roger replied. “Is there anything else you want to talk about, or do you want to wrap up the weekly check-in?”

“I think that covers it,” Kate said. 

“Alright, I’ll let you get back to the monster hunt, then,” Roger said before ending the conversation. He wondered whether he should have Kate swap to partial plant-hunting duty, and have him and Bertie take on more plant-hunting shifts. It would probably be good for Kate to take a break from focusing on the plant, but she’d almost definitely take it as an insult to her abilities. He decided to table the idea for a couple more days, and had WeBr connect him to Etta.

“Etta. We’re skipping the weekly meeting and just doing the check-ins individually, given the chaos of the last week,” Roger explained. 

“Great,” Etta said. She did not sound like she thought it was great. “I’ve just been doing my job, as usual. Listening to empty space.”

“Are you sure that’s what you’ve been doing?” Roger asked.

“What—what do you mean?” Etta laughed nervously. “It’s not like my job’s been effected by the plant. It’s just been same old, same old.”

“Kate mentioned that she hadn’t seen you near the comms room lately,” Roger said. He realized too late that this was probably not going to endear Kate to Etta. 

“Oh, that. Right. Yeah, I’ve been hanging out on the other side of the station today. I didn’t want to get in Kate’s way, so I figured I might as well do some of the routine maintenance checklist,” Etta said.

“You? Voluntarily doing routine maintenance?” Roger asked incredulously. “Wow, you’re even more upset with Kate than I thought.”

“Me? Upset with Kate? She’s the one who’s been on edge all week,” Etta protested. “I’m just staying out of her way until everything calms down a bit, since anything I say is just going to make her even more defensive.”

Roger resisted the urge to sigh. He was their captain, not their marriage counsellor. It wasn’t his job to act as an intermediary in their arguments.

Nevertheless, Roger replied, “Kate thinks you’re mad at her because you think she’s a murderer for hunting the plant. She sounded kind of upset about it.”

“Oh.” Etta sounded surprised. “I didn’t realize—I thought she was just insulted because I was criticizing the way she did her job. I don’t think she’s a murderer, just misguided.”

“Great. So it’s all a big misunderstanding. Does that mean that you two are going to start talking to each other anytime soon?” Roger asked, letting some of his impatience creep into his voice.

“I—give me a couple of days, okay? I need to figure out how to do this without making everything worse. The last thing I want to do is approach this the wrong way and hurt her even more.”

When Roger had first realized that Kate and Etta were interested in each other, he’d been worried about how them eventually dating would affect the crew. He knew there was no point in enforcing the regulation against fraternization; that would only serve to create resentment, and they’d likely end up just dating in secret anyways. Still, Roger had worried that having a couple on the station would lead to complicated interpersonal issues.

Nowadays, Roger was eagerly awaiting the day that they would finally get their act together. It turned out that having two people on the station who were in love with each other but had no clue their feelings were reciprocated was way worse than having a couple on the station. If Kate and Etta had been dating when this issue had come up, they probably would have worked it out days ago.

Roger didn’t say any of this, of course. That would just make things worse. “Sounds good. I look forward to not having half the crew avoid each other. Is there anything else you want to go over before we finish the weekly check-in?”

“Nah, I’m good,” Etta said.

Roger ended the conversation with Etta and had WeBr call Bertie. He’d saved Bertie for last, looking forward to one check-in that wouldn’t revolve around interpersonal issues.

“Oh god, what now?” Bertie asked.

Maybe Roger had been too optimistic.

“I’m just calling to get your weekly check-in. I figured that doing them in person would be a recipe for disaster, given Kate and Etta’s argument. Are you okay?”

“Sorry about that. I thought you were one of the others. They’ve both been—well, you know. It’s been a fun week.”

“Yeah, hard to argue with that. I think it’s going to blow over soon, at least. They sounded more worried about upsetting each other than anything. Although the sooner we get the damn plant monster under control, the better,” Roger added. “It’s putting everyone on edge.”

“I’ve been wondering,” Bertie started hesitantly, “what if Etta’s right? I haven’t brought it up because the last thing I want is to start another argument, but it’s been a week. The plant’s had plenty of opportunities to attack us, and it hasn’t.”

“I can’t say I haven’t had the same thought. But even if the plant doesn’t actively want to hurt us, we can’t leave what’s basically a wild animal loose in the station. Even if it miraculously doesn’t accidentally damage anything—which is a very big if—command wouldn’t look kindly on us letting a plant monster run wild on the station. It would be career suicide.”

“What if we went with Etta’s plan and figured out a way to contain it? It might be willing to cooperate with us in exchange for things like water and fertilizer,” Bertie suggested.

“It’s a nice thought, but this is a mutant plant monster, not a stray cat. I don’t think we’re going to be able to convince it to cooperate with us that easily,” Roger said. “If I thought there was a reasonable chance that we’d be able to tame this thing, I’d maybe consider giving it a try. But as it is, the safest option is still to kill it. Even though it hasn’t attacked us yet, who knows what it’ll do when it gets low on water or food?”

“I guess you’re right,” Bertie conceded. “I just don’t love the idea of killing it when it hasn’t done anything to hurt us.”

“None of us do,” Roger replied. “But our safety has to come first.”

“Can’t argue with that,” Bertie agreed. “Anyways, we were doing the weekly check-in, right? This week, I’ve switched between attempting to capture the mutant, attempting to determine how the mutant was created, ensuring that the other plants were undamaged, and performing various non-botanical station duties.”

“Have you made any progress determining what caused the plant to mutate?” Roger asked.

“Once the mutant left the greenhouse, I was able to take some samples of the soil. I’ve been comparing them to samples of soil from the other side of the greenhouse, in an attempt to determine whether the soil from where the first affected hydrangea was originally planted contains traces of contaminant. I haven’t found anything yet, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anything to find,” Bertie summarized. “It would be easier if I had the plant itself, of course.”

“Keep working on that,” Roger instructed. “Is there anything else you want to go over, or are you ready to wrap up the weekly check-in?”

“I did have something else I wanted to talk to you about. My day-to-day research has obviously been halted by having all my experimental subjects transform into a sentient mutant. Not all of my research centers on the hydrangeas, of course, but the vast majority of it does. At some point, we’re going to have to reassess my research goals for this mission. Assuming at some point I’m able to study the mutated hydrangea once it’s dead, I should be able to eventually determine what caused the mutation. It’s the step after that that I’m unsure of. I have enough hydrangea seeds that I will be able to grow more experimental subjects. Attempting to replicate the conditions that led to the creation of the mutated hydrangea seems dangerous. However, re-starting my previous experiments from scratch seems kind of like a waste of time, since we currently have the botanical breakthrough of the century roaming around our station.”

“I can see how that’s an issue.” Roger paused for a few moments to think. “Alright, I’d like you to come up with a few proposed angles of research. Figure out the risks accompanying each one, safety precautions you’ll take to minimize the risks, and the benefits of each option. We’ll discuss them as a team and determine which option you should pursue. There’s no rush on this; do it once you’ve reached the extent of what you can do with the dead mutant. Does that sound reasonable?”

“It does,” Bertie said. “Thanks, I was worried about that. That’s the only thing I wanted to go over.”

“Alright, then our weekly check-in is finished,” Roger said.

Before Roger could end the transmission, Bertie spoke up. “Wait, Roger? I just wanted to ask—did you want to check-in? Everyone else got to go over their week with you, but you haven’t gotten to go over your week with anybody. Not that I think you need to, really, it’s just that it can be nice sometimes to, y’know, reflect and get a second opinion if you need one.”

Roger was momentarily taken aback. “I—sure, that sounds good. This week, I hunted a plant monster, attempted to mediate between two women who really need to start dating, and did various routine station maintenance jobs.”

“Wait, what?” Bertie asked, sounding startled. “You think that Kate and Etta should start dating?”

“You haven’t noticed the way they act around each other?” Roger asked incredulously.

“Well, yeah, of course. Although I wasn’t entirely sure that Kate reciprocated Etta’s interest.”

“Kate’s even more obvious about it than Etta,” Roger disagreed.

“Anyways, I’m not surprised about that. I’m surprised you’re advocating for fraternization. That seems like the kind of thing you’d be against, as the captain. You’re usually pretty in favor of following the rules. I mean, you insisted on everyone using last names and ranks for like a year until you finally agreed to be on a first name basis with us. And Captain Kaplan is really hard to say.”

“That’s different. Addressing everyone by surname and title is pretty standard on space stations. Calling each other by first names creates an air of informality that’s not really desirable at the beginning of a space mission, where respecting the chain of command is occasionally a matter of life-or-death. Although, to be fair, being called ‘Captain Captain’ or ‘Kaplan Kaplan’ half the time probably didn’t reinforce my authority either,” Roger conceded. “Having Kate and Etta pine for each other is causing more interpersonal problems than having them date would. Besides, if I tried to enforce the regulation, they’d just try to date without me realizing, and it would create a whole situation to deal with.”

“That’s surprisingly reasonable,” Bertie said, sounding surprised.

“I have my moments,” Roger replied dryly. “Besides, it’s not like Kate’s in a position of authority over Etta. She’s second in command, sure, but it’s more a formality than anything.”

“So it would be different if you were the one who wanted to date a member of the crew?” Bertie asked curiously.

“Of course! That would be an abuse of my authority,” Roger stated firmly.

“I can see how that would be a concern,” Bertie said. There was something in his tone of voice that Roger couldn’t quite identify.

“Anyways, check-in over. Let’s get back to work,” Roger said, ending the call.

As he returned to work, Roger’s mind went back to the end of his conversation with Bertie. For some reason, he kept thinking about Bertie asking about whether Roger would ever date a member of the crew. It was just an idle question, Roger knew. It didn’t mean anything. Nevertheless, Roger couldn’t cast it out of his mind.

* * *

“Bertrand!” Etta called through the intercom. “You’re about to be done with your shift, right?”

“Yeah,” Bertie agreed. “Why?”

“Can you meet me outside the observation deck? There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Sure. What’s this about?” 

“It’s a little hard to explain. I’ll tell you when you’re here.” With that, she ended the call.

Bertie wished Etta would be a little less mysterious. Still, he knew there was no point calling her again. She would just continue to be evasive until he actually got to the observation deck.

He finished his shift and went up to the observation deck. When he reached the hallway outside the observation deck, he saw Etta standing outside the door. She looked nervous.

“Remember when we were talking about the possibility of a non-lethal solution to the hydrangea problem?” Etta asked.

“It’s kind of hard to forget, with the way you and Kate ended up arguing immediately afterwards,” Bertie replied.

“What do you think about it?” 

“Well, it’s been over a week and the mutant hasn’t done anything that seems particularly threatening. If it wanted to attack us, it’s had ample opportunity to do so, and it’s chosen not to. That makes me less comfortable with the idea of killing it,” Bertie said thoughtfully. “But there isn’t really a safe way to contain it, and there’s no guarantee it would want to cooperate even if we did. This is a mutated plant, not a stray cat, after all.”

“What if there was a way to contain it, and it did want to cooperate?” Etta asked.

“This is starting to sound less theoretical. Have you been hiding the plant monster in the observation deck?” Bertie asked, mostly joking. Then he saw Etta’s expression. “Oh my god, you have been.”

“Surprise?” 

“Do you even know how dangerous that is? It could have killed you!” 

“Bob wouldn’t do that!” Etta protested. “He’s actually pretty harmless.”

“Bob. You named the mutant hydrangea Bob?” Bertie’s voice rose.

“Look, I know it was a risk, but I thought that it was worth the effort to try and find a solution to the problem that didn’t involve killing him. He hadn’t tried to hurt any of us, even though he’d had the opportunity to. You were just saying that you didn’t really want to kill him,” Etta reasoned. “Why don’t you come in with me and meet him? You can see for yourself that Bob doesn’t want to hurt us.”

“If it kills me I’m coming back to haunt you.”

“Lies,” Etta said. “If you haunt anyone, it’ll be Roger.”

Bertie didn’t dignify that with a response.

Etta cracked the door open, waving her hand in and calling, “Hey, Bob. I brought Bertie to meet you.”

“Can it actually understand what you’re saying?” Bertie asked.

“I have no idea whether Bob even has a sense of hearing. Still, it seems polite,” Etta said. 

Bertie was beginning to realize how invested Etta was in the mutant. Which wasn’t great, since the rest of the crew was still trying to kill it.

Etta entered the observation deck. Bertie cautiously followed her in.

The mutant was huge. Bertie had no idea how it had managed to hide in the vents for so long; even if it was somehow able to rearrange itself so it was long and thin like a snake rather than in the tree-like shape it was currently in, it would have taken up enough space in the air vents that it was a miracle none of them had found it. Or, well, maybe not a miracle so much as a sign of the plant’s intelligence. That was a rather worrying thought.

Bertie was worried the mutant would try to attack him, but it seemed content to stay where it was. Either it didn’t recognize him as one of the people who had tried to kill it, it wasn’t able to see him, or it was a forgiving creature.

Etta walked over to the plant and gently stroked one of the branches that was at eye-level. The plant shifted slightly, its leaves and petals rustling against each other. 

“I’m pretty sure the rustling is kind of like purring. It’s definitely friendly, at least,” Etta told Bertie. “Why don’t you come over and introduce yourself?”

Bertie could come up with a list of reasons why that was a terrible idea, but he did as Etta suggested anyways. He couldn’t deny that he wanted to see the mutant up close. 

“Um, I’m Bertie,” Bertie said to the plant. “I really doubt that you have a sense of hearing, let alone the ability to understand English, but I’m sorry we tried to kill you.”

Bertie reached out and stroked one of the branches, copying the way Etta did it. Mid-stroke, the plant trembled slightly, its branches rustling as it did so. Bertie could feel its leaves shifting against his arm.

Bertie suddenly realized something. “Was this the rustling sound I heard when you called to ask me about places to hide from Kate?” 

“Yup. Sorry about all the secrecy earlier, but I wanted to make sure you weren’t going to do something rash when you found out.”

“I don’t think I’m the one you have to worry about,” Bertie replied.

Etta winced slightly. “Yeah, those conversations are going to be interesting.”

“We should tell Roger first. And I should be the one to tell him,” Bertie said. 

“He does seem more relaxed about the whole hunting thing than Kate,” Etta agreed. “Even though the idea of Roger being more chill about something than Kate is still kind of mind-boggling.”

“I know! But I mentioned my reservations about the plant’s behavior during our weekly check-in, and he said that he’d noticed the same thing. He was pretty focused on our safety and preventing damage to the station, but I think he might be receptive to keeping the plant around if those stopped being issues.”

“And they have. Bob doesn’t want to hurt anyone, and he’s happy staying where he is. Or we could move him back to the greenhouse, but I figured Kate might be happier having him in a room where the vents are too narrow for him to get through.”

“You’re probably right about that,” Bertie said. “Honestly, I’m a lot happier knowing he’s not in the vents. There’s something unsettling about the knowledge that he could be directly above you without you knowing.”

Bertie patted one of the branches after saying that, as a sort of apology. The plant rustled a few branches together in what Bertie was hoping was a friendly way. He couldn’t help but be reminded of a cat. 

“It’s been nice for him, too, to have a room of his own. Right, Bob?” Etta asked. The plant rustled a lot at that.

They stayed there for a few minutes. They didn’t want to be missing long enough for one of the others to get suspicious, but it was nice that they were finally able to talk without Etta hiding this huge thing from Bertie. 

“When are you going to tell Roger?” Etta asked as they were leaving.

“Later today, if he’s in a good mood. I’ll wait if he’s not,” Bertie replied.

“Are you sure you don’t want me around for backup or moral support?” Etta asked.

“No, I think having you around might just result in a fight, since he’s really not going to be thrilled at first. Although I’ll give you a little warning so you can be ready to make introductions when necessary.”

“Sounds good.”

Neither of them discussed what would happen if Roger didn’t listen to Bertie, if he got Kate and went with her to kill Bob. There wasn’t much they could do; they couldn’t hide Bob forever. They just had to have faith; faith that Bertie would be able to explain things to Roger, and faith that Roger would be willing to listen.

* * *

“Hey, Roger? I kind of have an update on the mutant plant situation,” Bertie said nervously. He’d opted to have the conversation in person, in the hopes that would make it easier to calm Roger down, but that also meant Bertie had to work harder to prevent Roger from noticing how nervous he was. One of them had to be calm about this, and Bertie was pretty sure Roger wasn’t going to be.

“What happened?” Roger asked warily.

“You know how we were talking about the possibility of a nonviolent solution? Well, I’ve found some evidence that it should be possible to contain the plant long-term without putting any of the crew at risk.”

“Evidence? How could you have—oh, no. Please tell me this isn’t going where I think it is. Have you been hiding the plant monster—no, not you. This is more Etta’s style.”

“Got it in one. I only found out earlier today. And at first I thought she was crazy. Well, of course I did, this whole thing is crazy. But I spent some time with her and the plant earlier, and it was very docile. I think it’s grown fond of Etta. It’s had ample chance to kill her, and it hasn’t. Which kind of makes sense; plants don’t really have predatory instincts.”

“And the vast amounts of data you have on all the other mutant plant monsters out there backs that up?” Roger said sourly. “Oh, right, there aren’t any. So we’re completely in the dark as to how this thing’s doing to behave long-term.”

“I’m not saying we shouldn’t be careful. Of course we should. I’m just saying, maybe we should give it a chance. Now that I’ve spent some time with it, I’m really not comfortable with the idea of killing it. Besides, which do you think will be better for our careers: being on the crew that made a groundbreaking discovery of a new lifeform, or being on the crew that had a laboratory accident and had to destroy over a year’s worth of research?” 

“It’ll be a moot point if it kills us all,” Roger pointed out.

“So why don’t you come and meet him, then make a decision once you have all of the facts,” Bertie said reasonably.

Roger agreed, although they took the next several minutes to negotiate how armed Roger would be for the meeting. Bertie was worried that Roger was just going to immediately kill Bob if given the chance, while Roger was worried that they were all going to die. Finally, they reached a compromise that they were both equally unsatisfied with, and they headed off to the observation deck.

Etta met them there.

“Roger! I’m so glad you’re going to finally get to meet Bob! I’m sure you’ll love him once you get to know him,” Etta said, clearly nervous and overcompensating with cheeriness.

Roger glared. “I wish I was surprised that you named the mutant plant monster.”

With that, they headed into the room.

Roger clearly wasn’t prepared for how big Bob was, and Bertie thought for a moment that would be the end of Bob’s short life. Somehow, Etta managed to get over to Bob and start petting him before Roger was able to react. Roger clearly wasn’t comfortable seeing Etta so close to the plant monster, but it was pretty obvious that Bob had no intention of hurting Etta.

“Do you want to go over and pet Bob, too?” Bertie asked. “I was able to pet him earlier; it’s not just Etta that he’s okay with being touched by.”

“How is this my life.”

Bertie took that as a yes and went over to start petting Bob. Bob rustled pleasantly in response to being petted. 

After a moment, Roger followed Bertie. He clearly didn’t want to touch Bob, but after a minute he tentatively reached out a hand. Bob rustled a few more branches together, obviously enjoying the experience.

“Fuck, I was really hoping we were going to just be able to kill it and move on with our lives.”

“He grows on you, doesn’t he?” Bertie replied.

“Yeah,” Roger admitted. “Etta’s clearly been able to work wonders.”

“I am a miracle worker,” Etta said. “Just call me Poison Ivy. Professor Sprout? That one girl from Sky High? It seems like there should be more options for people who can bond with sentient plants.”

“If you are anyone from Harry Potter you’re clearly Hagrid, putting your life at risk to tame wild animals that probably should never have been tamed,” Roger put in.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” Etta replied.

“So, who gets to tell Kate that we’re keeping him?”

“I’ll do it,” Roger said. “I’m the Captain, after all; I’m the one who gets to be the bearer of bad news.”

“Not that you living is bad news, Bob,” Etta added. “Roger loves you, deep down.”

* * *

“We can’t keep it.”

“The decision has already been made. Etta’s been able to safety tame the plant, and it’s clearly not a danger to anyone.” Roger’s tone made it clear this wasn’t up for discussion.

“I’m not worried about the plant,” Kate said darkly.

“Bertie made a good point. It’s going to look a lot better if we come back with a living scientific breakthrough than with a dead experiment gone wrong. This is going to take some explaining, but I think it’s all going to work out.”

Kate laughed. It wasn’t a happy laugh. “You don’t get it. We’re not going to come back.”

“Look, I know the plant initially seemed like a pretty big threat, but we can stand down now. It’s peaceful, although of course we’re going to put plenty of precautions in place to ensure that it stays peaceful.”

“That’s not what I’m concerned about.”

“Then explain what you are concerned about to me,” Roger said.

Kate looked torn for a minute before walking over to the wall and unplugging several wires.

“What did you just do?” Roger asked warily.

“If I’m going to tell you this, WeBr can’t listen in. I just disconnected her auditory and visual inputs for this room,” Kate said. “For good measure, we’re probably going to want to erase several other records from the past week, but we can do that later.”

“Kate, you’re sounding very paranoid right now. What the hell is going on?”

“What do you think the protocol for alien contact is?” Kate asked.

“There isn’t one,” Roger replied, confused at the sudden change of topic.

“Wrong. In the unlikely event that alien contact is made, mission parameters change dramatically. One member of the crew goes into the mission with special orders for that scenario,” Kate said. “For our mission, that’s me. I have absolutely no intention of carrying out those orders, but command wouldn’t take kindly to that, which is why killing the plant monster and conclusively proving that it’s not an alien is the best option for our safety.”

“What are those orders, exactly?”

“You have to understand—I thought it was a joke. And even if it wasn’t, it was so unlikely that—well, even before I met you guys, I never would have followed through with the orders. But I accepted them because there was a zero percent chance I’d ever be in a situation where it would be relevant, and I didn’t really have a choice anyways,” Kate justified.

“What. Are. The. Orders.”

“If I come across convincing proof that there’s alien life, I’m meant to immediately put into place the elimination protocol and neutralize the rest of the crew. I’m then meant to contact base with the backup pulse beacon relay and await new orders, which will depend on the exact circumstances of the alien contact,” Kate explained. She looked down as she told him, unwilling to see Roger’s expression.

“Why should I believe you?” 

“I can show you the extra pulse beacon relay, which should at least be proof that there’s something going on that you didn’t know about. As for more convincing proof, I have an authorization code that will make WeBr obey my commands above all else. I’m not going to demonstrate that it works, of course, both because I don’t know how to reverse it and because there’s probably some way for base to tell that it’s been used, but I can show you the part of WeBr’s code that includes it. I spent a while trying to find it, since I thought at some point I might have to convince you that I’m not lying and that the Travel Agency has it out for us.”

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this earlier?” Roger asked suspiciously.

“I considered it, but I couldn’t figure out how to without making everyone hate me. It’s not really easy to tell people that the organization they work for doesn’t care about their lives and that I’ve been assigned to kill them. You guys were safer and happier not knowing, especially since I know for a fact that I’m not going to kill you so there’s no danger on that front,” Kate said. “It was my burden to bear.”

“Is this true for every mission? Is every security officer given orders like that?”

“There’s someone on every mission, but it’s not always the security officer. It’s mostly just whoever command thinks is loyal enough and ruthless enough to do exactly as they order in the event of alien contact,” Kate explained. She laughed mirthlessly. “Since I’m telling you this, might as well tell you everything. Half the reason I was chosen was sheer nepotism. Bollard’s my cousin.”

“Seriously?”

“It’s a very well-kept secret. Between the different last names and the lack of similarities in appearance since we’re not genetically related, it hasn’t been hard to conceal it, although the higher-ups know of course. Since we’re cousins, she’d rather I not die if the station encounters aliens, and she trusts me. More than she should, maybe, given that I’m telling you all this.”

“This is a lot to take in,” Roger said. “Can you show me the evidence you’ve collected that you’re telling the truth? Not that I don’t believe you, I just—this isn’t really the kind of thing that I can believe, not without evidence.”

“Of course.”

* * *

“I’m going to go do some maintenance and let you guys talk,” Kate said after filling the others in.

Once she left, there was a moment of silence as they all waited for somebody else to speak up first.

Finally, Roger broke the silence. “I know this is a lot to take in. I think the first thing we should discuss is how we handle Kate.”

“I really want to still trust her,” Etta confessed. “I’m not sure whether trusting her is a terrible idea, but I want to.”

“She told us,” Bertie put in. “That definitely counts for something. She knew the order was messed up, and she never had any plans to actually carry it out.”

“I wish she’d told us earlier instead of keeping us in the dark, but I can understand why she didn’t,” Etta said. “She was just trying to protect us.”

“She does have a tendency to do that,” Roger agreed. “I think that we can all agree that she was put in a difficult situation, and she did the best that she could. I don’t know if she handled it perfectly, but I think we can still trust her.”

“The Travel Agency, on the other hand…” Etta trailed off.

“That’s a bigger issue,” Bertie agreed. “I can’t believe our employers basically put out a hit on us. It feels like a bad joke, not a thing that actually happened to us.”

“Do we want Kate in the room for this discussion?” Roger asked. 

“Sure,” Bertie agreed. “I think we’re done talking about her.”

“Yeah, she should be a part of the discussion.”

WeBr was disabled in the room, since they were still worried about WeBr’s surveillance getting back to the Travel Agency, so Roger left the room to use the intercom.

A couple minutes later, Kate returned.

“We wanted to talk about the Travel Agency. We’ve don’t blame you for your part in this, but the fact that our employers gave you those orders is worrisome, to say the least.” Roger noticed the surprise and relief in Kate’s eyes when he said they didn’t blame her. 

“I don’t have any illusions about the Travel Agency being a perfect organization that actually cares about us, but there’s a difference between being kind of negligent and actively plotting to kill us,” Etta said.

“I’m glad that you guys aren’t upset with me, although I’d understand if you were. I’ve had a long time to think about how to deal with the Travel Agency, and I still don’t know. Maybe I should have just quit when I first figured out how unethical they are, but when I first got the instructions I was so desperate to get to space that I was willing to overlook them.”

“We’re probably lucky that you did,” Bertie said reasonably. “If you’d declined they would have just sent someone who was more willing to murder all of us at the first sign of alien contact, and who knows whether Bob would have counted in their book.”

“Thanks, Bertie,” Kate said. “Unfortunately, I think you’re probably right. The fact that we identified Bob as a possible alien situation—well, it’s not unlikely that someone else would have done the same.”

“The Travel Agency can’t know that we know. I have no doubt they’re willing to go to extreme lengths to prevent the possibility that we’ll go public with what they did,” Roger said. “Kate’s already taken a good first step by disabling WeBr in this room, but we’re going to need to take some other precautions.”

“What are we going to do about Bob?” Etta asked. “ I know that our lives will all be in danger if they think Kate should have carried out the alien contact murder plan, but he’s not actually an alien.”

“How sure are we about that?” Kate asked. “I was only arguing against him being an alien because our lives were going to get way more dangerous if he was. If I’d killed him and burned his corpse, we wouldn’t have even had to tell the Travel Agency that he was ever alive. But now that we’re trying to keep him alive—well, it’s a lot harder to deny that he’s possibly an alien when he’s actually around.”

“Our first priority should be determining whether he is or isn’t an alien, then,” Bertie said. “Now that he’s actually around, if Etta will help me convince him to let me take a cutting of him I should be able to determine whether there’s anything obviously alien about him.”

“That’s an important first step. Once we know that, we can either start figuring out how to make it obvious that Bob isn’t an alien or how to—I don’t even know what we’ll do if he is,” Roger said. “Etta and Bertie can get to work on that while Kate and I work on dealing with WeBr. We’re still going to spend half of work hours on special projects and half of regular tasks- Bertie’s on full-time plant duty, Etta’s on full time regular duty once she’s helped Bertie with the plant-taming part of it, and Kate and I will be doing half and half. Is there anything else we need to discuss?”

With that, they wrapped up the meeting.

* * *

“How did getting the clipping go?” Kate asked Etta. It was their first one-on-one conversation since their argument over a week ago.

“Pretty good. Bertie started getting really nervous about Bob killing us at the last minute, but Bob was fine about it. I didn’t even have to demonstrate being a good patient for him or anything,” Etta said. Seeing Kate’s expression, she elaborated, “I was ready to have Bertie clip a few pieces of my hair off with his gardening shears so Bob could see that it wasn’t a big deal, but he seemed fine with it so I didn’t bother.”

“Bob,” Kate said. “I like that.”

“It really suits him!” Etta agreed. “Hey, do you want to meet him?”

“I’d love to,” Kate said. “I wasn’t sure if you would be comfortable with me being around him, after this week.”

“Even before I knew about your orders, I already knew that you were trying to protect us. I was never really mad at you; I was just avoiding you because I didn’t want you to figure out that I was hiding Bob,” Etta said.

“I still can’t believe that you were able to hide him right under our noses.”

“I’m just that good,” Etta bragged.

“I guess you are,” Kate agreed with a smile.

“To be fair, there were some chancy moments here and there. Bob may be many things, but he’s not exactly subtle,” Etta said. “Although it’s not his fault. It’s pretty hard for a giant plant monster on a space station to be subtle.”

At that, Kate started laughing. It was just a giggle at first, but she found that she just couldn’t stop. Kate’s laughter proved to be contagious, and soon Etta was cracking up too. 

Finally, they calmed down.

“I think I needed that,” Kate said. “It’s been a long week.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Etta offered.

“No, I’m fine. Well, I’m not fine, because who could possibly be fine when they’re desperately trying to protect their friends’ lives from both a plant monster and an evil organization, and there’s nobody to talk to about the evil organization because that would just make things worse, and every day you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But, you know. I’m dealing. It’s just—it’s been a really rough week, and I was so scared. I still am, honestly.”

“Can I hug you?” Etta asked.

“That—I think that’s exactly what I need right now,” Kate agreed.

Etta wrapped her arms tightly around Kate. Kate melted into her embrace, burying her face in Etta’s shoulder. Etta could feel Kate’s body shake as she started to cry.

“I’m here. It’s okay. We’re all alive, and we’re together, and we’re going to figure this out. And everyone’s safe, and it’s going to be okay, and—” Etta rambled comfortingly as she held Kate tightly. 

Kate gradually calmed down. Once she was done crying, she squeezed Etta tightly before ending their embrace.

“Thanks for that.”

“I’m sorry you had to deal with this on your own,” Etta said. “I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but I know that you’re not going to have to do that again. We’re all in this together now.”

Kate smiled at that.

“So, I believe you mentioned something about introducing me to Bob?” Kate asked.

“Right! You’re going to love him! He’s kind of like a big flowery cat. It’s pretty awesome,” Etta said. She couldn’t help but think how good it felt to be around Kate again. She’d missed her so much.

* * *

Eventually, Bertie was able to determine exactly how Bob had been created. He wasn’t an alien after all; just the result of the star’s unique radiation mixed with the effects of various chemicals. 

After that, they were able to tell the Travel Agency that Bob had been created in an experiment that had gone dramatically better than expected. They’d had to lie about the timeline, but Bob looked almost exactly like he had when he’d first been created; he apparently only grew by integrating normal hydrangeas into his form, and there weren’t any more of those on the station. 

Command agreed that this was a valuable research opportunity and didn’t question Bob’s origins, and the Watchtower crew’s lives finally started to settle back into a routine. 

They were all gathered in the kitchen for dinner one evening when an alarm started going off.

“I call not being the one who has to deal with whatever that alarm means!” Bertie said.

“Attention: proximity alert,” WeBr announced.

“What?” Kate asked. “There isn’t supposed to be a meteor shower or anything, so what the hell could we be in proximity to?”

“The star?” Etta suggested. 

“WeBr, what caused the proximity alert?” Roger asked.

“There is a small spacecraft approaching,” WeBr replied. 

“So I guess we didn’t fix all the glitches that were caused by the damage to WeBr’s memory,” Kate said. They’d done some judicious editing to remove anything the Travel Agency couldn’t know about. WeBr hadn’t been the most reliable to begin with, and editing her memory hadn’t helped.

“You are receiving a transmission from the spacecraft,” WeBr said. “Do you wish to accept it?”

“Sure,” Roger agreed.

“Attention, U.S.S. Watchtower Station. This is the U.S.S. Huntress. Or, well, the escape pod from the U.S.S. Huntress. Frank Hayward, security officer. If you could let me dock quickly, that would be great. I’m kind of bleeding a lot. And I got in this escape pod to, well, escape Parsnip-ity Pete and he came with, so that’s not—I mean, I’m super happy to be trapped in this escape pod with him. He’s the best mutant plant monster around. One of a kind. But I think I’m going to maybe pass out now. Did I mention that there’s a lot of blood?”


End file.
